Alicia American is an animated fictional cartoon character running for Mayor of New York City!
Here are excerpts from her "Womanifesto" announcing her candidacy:
Ohmygod lovers, aren't you tired of old what's his name being Mayor? Who is the current Mayor, anyway, can any of you remember? No, it's not Bloomberg, keep guessing. Anyway, my point is, don't you think we've let politicians run this City long enough? Time to let someone who knows nothing about government have a turn Yay!
MY CAMPAIGN PROMISES:
I promise if elected I will NEVER take a bribe from Russia! I will ONLY take bribes from evil multinational corporations and shady special interest groups Yay!
As your next Mayor, I promise I will provide FREE HEALTHCARE TO EVERY NEW YORKER and I will make Mexico pay for it!
No more weekend snowstorms! I'll bully the local TV weathermen and tell them to make all the snowstorms happen in the middle of the week so we can take the day off Yay! Yay for snow Yay!
All City workers will see a sharp increase in pay! However, they will now be paid in lottery tickets rather than dollars. You gotta be in it to win it!
Aren't you sick of those smug jerks from Jersey City?
I say let's declare war on them and confiscate all their cheap beer!
Vote for me and I'll personally arrest all those annoying fake Buddhist monks in Times Square!
A vote for Alicia American is a vote for quieter emergency vehicles! We KNOW they're like saving lives, but do they have to be so like LOUD about it?
If elected, I will allow landlords to sell ad space on the walls of apartments, thereby encouraging them to lower rents. Or just to make extra money, whichever.
My top priority once elected will be to expand the horse and carriage system to entirely replace yellow cabs with horses and buggies. Awww, horsies awww!
As your Mayor, I vow to make every effort to make New Jersey take ownership of Staten Island. Maybe we can like trade them for Hoboken or something yo!
I would like a permanent ban of the unfashionable from any place in Manhattan below 29th Street, enforced by a new squadron of Fashion Police. I plan on paying for this new police force by heavily taxing every single person who asks me how I plan on paying for this new police force.
I will pass a law that each year the Yankees don't win the World Series, the General Manager must have his heart removed from his chest in an ancient Inca ritual, and his blood shall be drunk by all the fans in attendance aged 14 and over.
As a gun owner for over 2 weeks now, I'm a staunch advocate of whichever amendment is the one about the whole gun thing! And for that reason, I will legalize the open carrying of loaded pistols in public throughout New York and will fine any establishment which tries to ban firearms Yay!
This last one isn't exactly a promise, since I don't know if it's actually possible, but I swear to do everything in my power to get Queens to move further away from the rest of the City.
The President has recently moved to allowing news media to participate in press conferences via Skype. I considered doing this also but decided against it. A girl can't give her Skype info out to just ANYBODY yo!
Besides, I think every New Yorker agrees that it's important for a candidate to be openly hostile in all dealings with the media, Every single newspaper and TV news organization endorsed Hillary Clinton in the last election, thereby ensuring her doom. I promise to do everything possible to make certain I am NEVER endorsed by any major news outlet. And I don't just mean that promise for this year, but for the rest of my remarkable and historic politicational career Yay!
In conclusion, Vote for me! I haven't got the vaguest idea how to run a City plus al the tastemakers utterly loathe me! Think of how annoyed Paul Krugman would be if I won. That alone is a reason to cast two or three votes each for me! If that were legal, I mean.
Ohmygod I love you all just as much as you love me!
Vote for Alicia American, your next Mayor Yay!